I haven’t blogged in awhile and I thought this post would be the perfect opening to get it going again.
It’s no secret to most, the past few months have been difficult with the changes that have taken place in my life but I won’t take it there. Not today. It still goes hand in hand with the title of my post though. Instead this has more to do with my boys who I don’t blog about nearly enough.
I read a post this morning that was shared by my friend and fellow photographer Katie Slater. She is also embarking on somewhat of the same ride that I am in motherhood. Our boys are about the same ages. What I wasn’t prepared for was how hard this article she shared would hit me. Until I was done reading it. I’ve been laughing between tears trying to compose myself while also processing what I had just read, the VERY thing that I had figured out and faced last night at bedtime.
Any mother that is embarking on two different paths in motherhood will know what I’m talking about.
As I was putting the boys to bed I had this moment with Christian and Carson. Carson was lying in bed begging me to snuggle him to sleep while I was struggling with Christian for him to get in to his pj’s and get in bed. It was a fight and it’s always a frustrating one as he insists in coming back at me with his strong will. I kept starring at both boys. Looking back at my 5 year old seeing how he so much still needs me and again at Christian just wanting to be his own being at the age of 9. Then it hit me. I am entering two different worlds with them . How did we get HERE already? I’m not ready for this. I realized what was going on and my heart got heavy. I’ve been mourning enough, but now I need to mourn the fact that my oldest son is no longer a baby. I just stood there as I watched him get dressed processing the thoughts that were going through my head. WOW! I have to learn to let him grow.
Yes of course he still has a request for the occasional snuggle and some mommy time. But it certainly is not like it used to be. After he got dressed and climbed up to his bunk, I just stood up on the edge of the bottom one and peeked over his rail. He just looked back at me with his curious blue eyes and little smirky smile and said ” What?” After a second I just replied back to him ” May I have a goodnight Kiss?” He leaned up, gave me a quick kiss and then quickly flipped himself over and pulled his blankets as tight as he could. I studied him a little longer. Noticing the little blonde piece of hair around his ear that used to be a baby curl had become straight like a straw of hay. His big boy hands snuggling his very loved octopus , Squiddy, that he got when he was three. I let out a deep sigh and thought ” ahhhh there is still that little boy in there somewhere.” and just smiled and dropped back down to the floor.
I peeked at my littlest guy lying so patiently in his bed as he pulls his covers back and says ” Come on Mom! Snuggle me!” I feel myself get lighter again as I climb in and curl up next to him holding him tight. Feeling his deep slow breaths tickle my neck, his long eye lashes dancing against my cheek and his tiny little hands, one twirling a strand of my hair while the other just rests on the peak of my cheek. This moment…. THIS VERY moment is what makes being a mom one of the most amazing experiences.
Then my little one looks up at me and says ” Mommy…. your breath is so hot. It makes me sweat.”
Enjoy the article.
“We are Crossing Over. You are my Baby. But I cannot carry you now.” ( originally posted in the Huffington Post )
Thank you SO MUCH Katie for sharing this with me.